Welcome back. Today’s topic is a very tough topic for me because I am a very private person with my marriage. A question I get asked a lot is, “How do you make your marriage work while battling fibromyalgia?”
Well first I have to be completely honest; it’s hard as hell. Marriage in itself is difficult, and takes a lot of love, hard work, dedication, commitment, patience, sacrifice and did I say a lot of love??? Oh yea, I did. Lots and lots of love and understanding. I’m the type of person that always puts myself in other people’s shoes. Sometimes that can bite me in the ass, but it’s steered me the right way so far. So, I’m always thinking about my husband’s feelings. I know he loves me with all his heart but let’s be honest, he’s a man with needs. Men need to be spoiled and have needs that have to be fulfilled if you want a healthy marriage. We ALL do!
But, honestly I don’t mind putting him first some nights, because he does the same for me. Sometimes it feels like a job in itself, and after a long day of pushing myself to work, cook dinner, fight through the pain, etc I am totally wiped out and want my bed. Everything else is out the window. Most nights it’s very painful from the toll I took on my body during the day just doing normal adult responsibilities. So, I always remind myself of everything he does for me daily. He gives me massages almost daily. They might not be 5 star but, he still comes home exhausted from running our business, even dealing with his own pain, to put me first and try to help me alleviate some of the pain, just to help me sleep. How can I not give him love? When I say love and attention, that doesn’t always mean sexual. We have a deeper bond. We are satisfied with skipping love making some nights and just cuddling or rubbing each other to sleep. We all need love and affection, that safe place in the arms of the person you love and makes everything disappear. That goes deeper than just a sexual act for the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great stress reliever! But, sometimes the pain is unbearable to tolerate love making. It’s something that both partners need to understand, but when you’re in a committed relationship for 20 years, your love and bond is so much deeper. You care so much for your partner you just want to do anything to see them well. I try my best despite my pain to give my husband the satisfaction he needs, even though it may hurt. But, the connection we have during love making makes me get lost in love, and sometimes the pain goes away for a moment… or should I say, my mind is not focused on it for the moment.
My experience has been difficult to say the least. Some days, touch alone is painful which makes it very hard. This weighs heavy on my soul because I feel less than a woman and a wife. This is the hardest thing for me to admit to the world and open the door to judgement on something so personal and close to my heart. But, I promised to be an open book and share my real thoughts and emotions to help other realize you’re NOT alone!! We are human and we will worry about these things especially when you truly love your spouse.
Sometimes you have to be selfish and think about yourself and your pain first. This is when I always say know your limits. It helps you to control your flares, if you don’t push yourself off the edge. But, most importantly you have to have an open conversation with your spouse regarding what you are feeling and what you are going through. If he loves you, he will understand and try to help you in anyway. Some people are not so fortunate and that makes me sad, but if that’s the case, they never loved you in the first place. Think of it as a blessing for someone who is meant for you to come into your life and love you the way you deserve.
Marriage and motherhood are the hardest jobs on the planet when you are chronically ill but, we always have to remember that we can’t serve from an empty cup. We need to take care of ourselves if we want to take care of others. If we don’t we have nothing to give, what can you give?
So ladies or gentlemen if you have a great husband or wife let them know you love them, be open and honest with what’s on you heart. Try to make the best of the good and even the bad days. Sometimes we just need to be close to our partners to feel safe and just simply feel that no matter what everything will be okay. That’s when you throw in your special attention nights randomly. (If you know what I mean lol.) 😉 Take advantage of those good days, and enjoy the moments and make memories.
The best advice I can give any couple is, be friends before lovers and always understand this doesn’t only affect you. It affects your family as a whole. Everyone is hurting and is emotionally affected by any chronic illness.
I hope this truly helps my fellow spoonie warriors and give you hope that marriage and chronic illness can work but it takes two people who don’t give up on each other. I’m always here to listen and help when any of my followers need. I will try to respond and just listen.
As always love, light and gentle hugs.
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